Are You Avoiding the Feedback Conversation Your Team Needs

Do you struggle with giving direct feedback, especially when you know it might be uncomfortable?

I was recently coaching a senior tech executive who leads a growing engineering team. One of his engineers, who should be operating as a mid-level software engineer, was struggling mightily with even the simplest tasks. He’d get distracted, go down rabbit holes, and miss key deliverables.

The manager’s frustration was palpable. At one point he said, “I don’t even really trust him to do what I’m asking without babysitting him.”

When I asked if he’d shared that feedback directly, he hesitated. He admitted he was buried under too many other responsibilities and hoped he could just pass the engineer basic tasks to get some progress started. But that too had been a struggle, expectations and productivity were both misaligned.

I encouraged him to have the conversation sooner rather than later. Because the longer he waited, the more frustration he’d carry, and the less likely it would lead to a productive outcome. Without direct feedback, the engineer was completely in the dark.

Avoiding feedback might feel kind or easy in the moment, but it’s one of the least compassionate things a leader can do.

That’s what Kim Scott calls Ruinous Empathy in her book Radical Candor. It’s what happens when we care personally, but fail to challenge directly. We tell ourselves we’re protecting someone’s feelings, but what we’re really protecting is our own discomfort.

And the cost of that avoidance is high:
Expectations stay unclear.
Frustration builds silently.
Trust breaks down on both sides.

Feedback, when done with care, isn’t criticism. It’s clarity. It’s saying, “I care enough about you and this work to be honest.”

The best leaders don’t wait for performance to deteriorate before speaking up. They create space for truth early, when it can still build growth and trust.

The irony is that direct feedback, delivered with care, often strengthens relationships instead of damaging them. It helps people see where they stand, what’s expected, and how to improve.

So if you’re holding back feedback right now, ask yourself why. If the reason is comfort, it might be time for a more honest conversation.

Try this:
Before your next one-on-one, jot down one specific behavior you’ve been avoiding addressing. Start the conversation with this intent:
“I want to share something that might help you succeed, and I’m sharing it because I care about your growth.”

That’s Radical Candor in action.

💬 When was a time you avoided giving feedback, and what changed when you finally did?