Why Your One-on-Ones Need More “Kitchen Moments” Today

Some of the most important leadership work happens in conversations that don’t look like work at all.

I was reminded of that recently on The Real Leadership Brief podcast, when I shared a moment that changed how I think about one-on-ones. We do monthly check-ins on my team. At one point, I asked one of my direct reports, “Hey bud, are these useful? We’re just talking about your kitchen issues again.”

He didn’t hesitate. “Yes. It gives me a chance to talk outside of the home about what’s going on in my life. You give me the space for whatever’s on my mind.”

That answer stuck with me. Those “kitchen moments” aren’t small talk. They’re how you learn what people are carrying with them. They let you see the person underneath the role. They’re how you build enough trust that, when something is really off, they’ll actually tell you.

When leaders treat every one-on-one like a status meeting, they unintentionally send a message. The work matters. The person is optional.

When leaders leave room for whatever someone needs to talk about that day, they send a different message. You matter here, even when your mind is somewhere else. Especially then.

Since that conversation, I still go into one-on-ones with a simple frame of reference: let’s talk about whatever’s on your mind. Some weeks we talk about projects when it’s helpful. Some weeks we talk about kids, aging parents, or home repairs. Some weeks we talk about where they want to grow next.

But now I realize, the moments that may look small or random to me are the moments people learn they can bring their whole life into the room. From the outside, the conversation may look unstructured or even unproductive, when in reality, it’s where people can feel the most seen and heard.

When people feel that level of safety, something shifts. They start to speak up sooner. They share what they’re really thinking. They stay when things get hard, because they know they’re not just a name on an org chart.

If you lead managers or teams, it’s worth asking: Do your one-on-ones create space for “kitchen moments” or are people still keeping the real stuff to themselves?

This week, try starting at a different place. Ask “What’s going on in your life?” and give it a few minutes before you talk about work.

You might be surprised by what people are ready to tell you, if you’re willing to listen.